How to Deal with Anger: A Free Self-Help Tool

How to deal with anger: The best anger management technique I've ever run across is a Love Letter or Feeling Letter. It's a real winner for anger managment self help and anger control.

When I've asked some experts how to deal with anger, I've been told about anger management activities where one uses a bataca or bat covered with foam and fabric to hit pillows with.

To me that just keeps you stuck in anger or it moves some angry energy out of your body by making you tired but there’s no resolution. You just keep being angry until you're tired. So that isn't how to deal with anger - rather it's a an anger technique.

E-motions

Emotions are e-motions meaning there should be motion or flow. If we aren't blocking them, feelings just flow through the body - naturally moving into the next one and eventually to some form of love and forgiveness.

That is really how to deal with anger. That means that when you feel around inside - like feeling for the empty space where the tooth was pulled with your tongue -the space no longer holds the anger you once felt. And you won't need a therapist to use this simple tool. I get all my coaching clients using it.(Nothing against therapists, but anger doesn't always come up when you're in their office, so additional anger management techniques are quite useful.)

Am I Saying You Have to Love Those That You Are Angry At?

Yup. Or some form of love anyway - like gratitude, appreciation, forgiveness. However, I'm not saying you have to have an ongoing relationship with them though.

Before you click away because you hated what I just said, realize this:

At our most basic level we are energy. If we have negative feelings towards anyone, then we are stuck with that negative energy coming from us and attaching to them. Which means we still have negative energy. That is not loving to ourselves. It may cause unrest or un-health in our bodies. And loving ourselves is what it's all about! So on with this unique anger management technique.

Why Sign-Up for the Results of Negative Energy?

Negative energy is where illness lies. Negative energy is where depression lies. Negative energy is where low self esteem lies.

And now a word about forgiveness: I'm sure you noticed that I used that word and you might have to consider forgiving those who you are looking for an anger management technique to use on.

There are two definitions I like for forgiveness. They make it easier to want to forgive:

1. Having no hope of a better past.
2. Giving love as before.

Anyone can satisfy those definitions. Of course you can't create a better past. And about "giving love as before" - it's just an e-motion and if you'll let your ego move out of the way, the person you forgive doesn't even have to know you forgave them.

But when you think about or or see this person all the old yucky feelings are no longer there. They no longer create an unhealthy environment in your body or mind. What a relief!

So now onto how to deal with anger in an easy, private way:

How to Write a Love Letter or My Favorite Answer to How to Deal with Anger
(originally from John Gray's Mars/Venus Workshop)

The effectiveness of the Love Letter technique is based on four principles:

1. Feeling and expressing emotions increases self-awareness and thus connects us to our true selves.

2. Feelings unfold in layers. Through fully experiencing one layer, another, deeper layer unfolds to consciousness. Each new level brings increasing awareness.

3. The action of writing dramatically increases awareness and, especially, releases us from the grip of unresolved past feelings.

4. Resolution of deep hurt and anger comes with taking responsibility and forgiveness which automatically happens when you follow the Love Letter format.

The Love Letter Example

Dear Marie,

I am writing you this letter to share my feelings with you.

LEVEL 1: Anger
I don’t like it when you tell me what to do. I get angry when you don’t listen to me. I resent that you never appreciate what I do. I hate when you ask me for advice and then don’t listen. I resent that you don’t appreciate what I’ve accomplished in my life and in this area of life... LEVEL 2: Sadness and Hurt
I feel sad when I see how unhappy you are. I feel so disappointed when you don’t think I’m a really great person and an addition to your team. I feel unhappy when you work so much. I hurts so much when you yell at me. It hurts so much when you always mistrust me. I wish you could accept me the way I am. I wish you thought more highly of me…

LEVEL 3: Fear
I’m afraid that you can’t forgive me. I’m afraid you’ll never change. I’m afraid when you yell at me. I need you to like me the way I am. I need your approval. I need your appreciation. I feel scared when you threaten me. I feel afraid that I will have to quit this job because you make me so angry. I feel afraid that you will fire me ..

LEVEL 4: Remorse and Apologies , Taking Responsibility
I feel embarrassed when I think of all the things I’ve done wrong. I feel embarrassed when I think that I’ve made so many mistakes. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I got so angry. I’m sorry I don’t always do the work you want me to and the way you want me to. I feel ashamed of snapping at you. I’m sorry we hurt each other. ..

LEVEL 5: Love, Understanding, Gratitude, and Forgiveness
I want you to always appreciate me. I appreciate all the support you’ve always given me. I appreciate all that I've learned from you. I appreciate the sacrifices you made for me. I forgive you for not being perfect. I forgive you for yelling at me. I forgive you for not always appreciating me. Thank you for being such a good employer. I would like you to remember how much I care for you. ..

Affectionately,

Maia

My Personal Experience with Love Letters and How to Deal with Anger

When I first learned this technique, I had no idea that I even had any anger toward anyone. I was a very nice and "good girl" – and had spent years feeling depressed and powerless.

Since that time I have become quite conversant with my e-motions - and - as importantly, I have healed relationships with all the difficult people in my life. And I have an easy tool to deal with any more of them that might show up.

My parents have been dead for years but I have healed relationships with them. I no longer get off on telling my "I was an abused child story" because I have found a way to love and appreciate my verbally abusive mother and my sexually abusive father. That's what I call real anger management!

My husband and I have boxes of these letters that will someday probably create the basis of a book. They catalogue the course of the beginning of our relationship where he was "minutes" out of a 17 year marriage and I was a baby in emotional awareness.

I am so facile at writing these, that now I can do a "quickie" in my head while dealing with a difficult person and begin to see their side of what's going on, take responsibility for my part and understand something new about me.

Try it. See how it works for you. you can either fill in the blanks or write one page on each section. Just make sure that the Love section is as long or longer than the Anger section. If you can't dredge up anything much for the Love section, just write a Monster letter that is all Anger, Hurt, Sadness, Fear. then try a real Love Letter.

LEVEL 1: Anger

LEVEL 2: Sadness and Hurt

LEVEL 3: Fear

LEVEL 4: Remorse and Apologies, Taking Responsibility

LEVEL 5: Love, Understanding, Gratitude, and Forgiveness

Important note: STOP!

These letters are for your benefit ? to get stuck feelings out of you. They work even if they are not shared with the intended person. And they should NEVER be shared with anyone who does not fully understand their purpose and who has not given express permission to receive these letters as part of an intimate relationship.

Fill-in-the-Blank Sample

I’m angry that __________________________________________________________________
I hate it that __________________________________________________________________
I’m angry that __________________________________________________________________

It hurts that __________________________________________________________________
It hurts that __________________________________________________________________
I’m sad that __________________________________________________________________

I’m afraid that __________________________________________________________________
I’m afraid that __________________________________________________________________
I’m afraid that __________________________________________________________________

I’m sorry that __________________________________________________________________
I’m sorry that __________________________________________________________________
This is how I'm responsible:_____________________________________________________

I want _______________________________________________________________________
I forgive you for _______________________________________________________________
I love that _____________________________________________________________________
Thank you for ___________________________________________________________________

Love,
_____________________________